A letter to my crush….

A letter to my crush….

Dear Boy I Like,

You’ll never hear all these things I have to say coming straight from my lips. For all I know you might not even realize I exist. But I needed some way to get these thoughts out of my head.

You can always manage to make me smile, even if I’m in a bad mood and don’t want to talk to anyone. You don’t have to be talking directly to me. You don’t have to say anything exceptionally amazing or funny. You don’t have to be talking at all. But you can always get a smile to cross my lips.

When I’m around you, I feel like I’ve found my place. I don’t feel like I’m lost in a maze. I don’t feel like I’m, as Austin Mahone would say, ‘lost in the ocean, just drifting’. I feel like I finally belong and that I don’t have to search for where I fit in in this ginormous world.

Let’s see, what else? Talking to you can be difficult, but it can also make me feel like I’m flying. Because I don’t feel alone. Because I feel like I have someone who cares enough to stop and say just a few words to me. It doesn’t have to be some long monolouge. It can just be a simple ‘what’s up?’ or ‘hey how are you?’

I like your smile. And your laugh. The way you give me butterflies and make me feel like I’m soaring. I like how you’re passionate about the things and people who matter the most to you. I like how you laugh. I like how excited you get about things. I like the little things about you, like how you write and how you focus in class. I like how polite you are. I like how if I run into you outside of the normal setting, you say hi to me still.

Boy I Like, you make me feel like I belong. Like I matter. A lot of the time, you’re the reason for my smile. You come to mind at the most random times. When I’m laying awake staring at the ceiling at three in the morning. When I’m watching TV. When I’m in dance class. When I’m listening to music. When I’m writing. When I’m in the car. When I’m at cheer practice. When I’m cleaning my room. You cross my mind and you stay there for a while.

The only bad thing? You have no clue. Because I can’t work up the nerve to talk to you. I can’t get the thoughts from my head to come to my lips. That’s why I’m writing. I always seem so much smoother on paper than in real life. I feel more confident writing about this than actually saying it. Who knows if you’ll see this or not, but maybe….

Every girl talks about liking a guy. About crushing hard. I’m no exception. I like you. A lot. More than I kind of want to. Because I know that you don’t feel the same way. I know that this is one-sided and you probably like someone else. And that sucks. What do those other girls have that I don’t?! Why are they the object of your attention and I’m just here? Or even worse, how did I end up friendzoned?

You’re my 11:11 wish every night. You’re my wish on the first star every time I look at the sky. I know that none of that works, but still. You’re who I think about every day and who I hope to see in random places, like when I’m shopping or at the park. You’re the one who lets me know that I’m not as invisible as I think I am. 

I see all these couples around. Both in my life and on Twitter and Instagram and Facebook. I can’t help but get jealous. But I shouldn’t be. I could have that too if only I could actually talk to you instead of being so freaking shy. I listen to sappy love songs and wonder if we could someday have that too, but then shake the thought from my head because I know that it will never happen because I can’t work up the nerve to say anything.

Sometimes I think I’ve got it. I have an entire plan worked up to say something to you. And then I actually see you and forget everything. I can spend hours talking to my reflection, coming up with exactly what I’m going to say and practicing saying it. And then I’m there, and you’re there, and we’re not far apart, and I could say it all…but I don’t. I can think of so many things to say to you but when I get the chance I go speechless.

I spend hours coming up with scenarios that I helplessly wish would happen but know they never will. I imagine one day having the guts to walk up to you and tell you everything. It might be during class. It might be at the grocery store. I imagine being able to say everything that I can’t. But, it won’t happen. They say that dreams can turn into reality and maybe they can, but when it comes to a crush, it’s a lot easier said than done.

So, Boy I Like, maybe one day you’ll figure it out. Maybe one day I’ll just drop it. Maybe I’ll continue liking you for years and years. But for now, all I have is this letter.

Sincerely, Me

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